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Bring out your weirdos!

by editor

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly column looking at the lighter side of politics.

It didn’t take long for the applications to start rolling in once Boris Johnson’s top adviser, Dominic Cummings, said he wanted to hire “weirdos” and “misfits” for the British civil service.

One of the applicants was celebrity spoon-bender and illusionist Uri Geller. In a cover letter addressed to “Dear Dom,” Geller said his career as an entertainer was the “perfect mask” for his work in espionage. He claims to have “assisted with Operation Desert Storm, helped to locate secret tunnels in North Korea, and used my skills to erase crucial diplomatic discs on their way to Moscow.” Quite how bending cutlery helped him in these endeavors isn’t clear.

Asked by Reuters whether he thinks his powers would give him an unfair advantage over other candidates, Geller said: “Yes, absolutely.”

But who else should apply for the exciting opportunity to work for Cummings and Johnson? Here’s a few people who need a job or a change of circumstances:

Meghan Markle

Meghan Markle arrives at the Terrance Higgins Trust World AIDS Day charity fair at Nottingham Contemporary on December 1 | Christopher Furlong/Getty Images

Thanks to Megxit, Markle needs work in order to become “financially independent.” Paparazzi, who get into a lather when taking photos of Cummings going to work having not tucked his shirt in, would have a field day. Remember that one of the odder aspects of the British political system is that the queen has to read out the government’s policy plans for the coming term, so Markle could end up working on words that will come out of her disgruntled grandmother-in-law’s mouth.

Carlos Ghosn

Former Renault-Nissan boss Carlos Ghosn addresses the media in Beirut, Lebanon on January 8, 2020 | AFP via Getty Images

Also in need of a stable working environment is the former Nissan chief who was arrested in November on charges of financial misconduct while at the helm of the company — charges he claims were “political.” There might be some legal difficulties getting Ghosn a job inside the British government but he has proven very resourceful, having reportedly been smuggled out of Japan in a double bass case, so there are definitely several strings to his bow.

Alexandre Benalla

Alexandre Benalla was formerly a top security aide to Emmanuel Macron | Bertrand Guay/AFP via Getty Images

Emmanuel Macron’s former bodyguard can’t be accused of a lack of initiative, having taken the brave decision back in May 2018 to don a police helmet and give an anti-government protester a good kicking back (skills that could come in handy if Johnson and Cummings push an unpopular austerity agenda). The ex-bodyguard said he was “lending a hand” to police, which would also help Johnson’s pledge to increase the number of officers on the streets.

Sylvie Goulard

Sylvie Goulard | Charly Triballeau/AFP via Getty

She was expecting a cushy job as the European commissioner for internal market, space and a host of other topics. Goulard’s next career move was torpedoed by the European Parliament because of concerns about ongoing investigations. She was later formally charged with embezzlement in France on suspicion that she misused public funds. Not great on the CV but Goulard is close to Emmanuel Macron and knows European politics well from her time as an MEP. But can the British government afford to pay €10,000 per month before tax?

Jeremy Corbyn

Soon-to-depart Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn | Oli Scarff/AFP via Getty Images

Amazingly still in a job but soon to leave it, the Labour Party leader would certainly bring an unusual background to the civil service, having overseen a catastrophic general election result. But he remains very popular with the 14 people who voted Labour in the election.

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“No Mr. Bond, I expect you to listen.”

Can you do better? Email [email protected] or on Twitter @pdallison74

Before Christmas we gave you this photo:

Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our post bag (there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze).

“You’re young enough to be my wife’s daughter” by Mark Hayden

Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s slot news editor.

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