Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
What if, and this may be tricky to get your head around, Elon Musk isn’t just a very rich man who acts like a 12-year-old after too much fizzy pop — or, as one social media user put it, a “Wish.com Bruce Wayne” — and is in fact here to save us all?
Since Musk (who, lest we forget, called his child X Æ A-XII — X and once live-tweeted himself taking a shit) bought Twitter, there’s been a never-ending stream of headlines.
Almost all the senior execs were fired, then some of them were asked to come back; Musk wrote “I recommend voting for a Republican Congress”; he banned many parody accounts despite being a parody of himself; and he said that you could get a precious blue tick by paying for one rather than for being awesome (and yes, I do have a blue tick, for my Pulitzer Prize-worthy work coming up with nicknames for Donald Trump).
Some people are so worried about Musk’s impact on Twitter that they are deactivating their accounts and heading elsewhere, including Mastodon (which likely came as a surprise to the heavy metal band Mastodon, whose second album — “Leviathan” — is a concept record based on the novel “Moby-Dick” by Herman Melville).
But maybe Musk is cleverer than that and is really playing the long game. We all know that social media is awful, a colossal waste of time that stops you from doing actual stuff like spending time with your children, learning to play the flute or competitive ironing.
So is Musk purposefully driving people away from Twitter and into the welcoming arms of real life by pretending to be a moron with horrible opinions? Maybe he’s burning down his own property on purpose to claim on the insurance? Or maybe he’s just so rich that none of this really matters?
And if social media — or indeed anything else — is all getting too much, just follow the advice of the New York Times, which gave readers tips on how to avoid election stress around the midterms. Tip No. 2 is the best: “Plunge your face into a bowl with ice water for 15 to 30 seconds.” Or into a wall, whichever is easier.
And tip No. 4 is also a good one: “Breathe like a baby.” To achieve this, “focus on expanding your belly as you breathe, which can send more oxygen to the brain.” That’s sound advice because, as any parent will tell you, babies are famous for focusing on tasks.
CAPTION COMPETITION
“The U.N. conference’s annual ‘Take a selfie with an idiot to raise awareness of climate change’ competition proved especially popular this year.”
Can you do better? Email [email protected] or on Twitter @pdallisonesque
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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.
“Church versus state? It’s a tie!” by Ben Boffey.
Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s slot news editor.